On Tuesday, I had my last radiation treatment. My new friend Robyn (who I met in the waiting room at radiation) brought me balloons and the radiation techs showered me with confetti and presented me with a certificate as I left the radiation room. I am VERY happy not to have to drive over to Dana-Farber every day at 10:30am to be zapped. I think I got off relatively "easily" with the radiation. The burns were not at all painful/itchy and thus far, my implant seems to be ok and not too affected. (I am not sure if I continue to be at risk for implant issues. I need to check on that when I go back in a month.)
So, I am "done" with treatment but I don't at all feel like the cancer is behind me. With the first diagnosis, I WAS able to move on from the surgery and not think much about cancer. Rarely, did I jump to a crazy conclusion that a headache was a brain tumor. Rarely, did I lay wake in the middle of the night, thinking about the cancer coming back and spreading (and therefore, my own morality). That will not be the case this time. It will take MONTHS for me to feel back to normal (if that ever completely happens). I am still tired, my fingernails are a disaster, I am stiff and achy, I've got stomach issues, etc. I guess I write all this to remind everyone that cancer never ends for people like me. I will never be the same person I was before the recurrence. Cancer will always be there for me, looming over my head. (Yes, it will get a little easier with time.) And while the treatment was horrible at times, we were actively fighting the cancer cells that might have still been floating around. Now, I just have to sit back and hope that worked. I will start my hormone treatment (Femara - a pill) this month, but I am struggling with trusting that since the last pill (Tamoxifen) let me down. Basically, I need to follow my cancer mantra - OSAAT, One Step at a Time. I need to embrace today and enjoy life because you never know what tomorrow will bring.
I'm not sure how much I'll continue to update the blog at this point. All I'd be doing is venting about the "gifts" that cancer and chemo keep giving me. ;) Thanks for all the love and support over the last 7 months. We could not have made it through the "other" side of treatment without it. I consider myself extremely lucky to have an amazing husband, kids, family and friends!
Amanda, I would encourage you to continue to update your blog... if for nothing else than to show everyone that you have found a way to move on, and life is good again. You are such an inspiration -- not only to those who have also suffered from your disease, but for those who have been fortunate enough not to have experienced what Cancer does to a person, and those they love.
ReplyDeleteYou have a gift for words, have dealt with some rather difficult things thrown at you, yet you have faced it all with dignity, bravery and admiration. You most definitey are your mother's daughter, and, if this were a live discussion, I would stand up and cheer both you and your Mom for your bravery, and ability to overcome the worst things in life.
May God keep you under his watchful eye, keep you and your family safe from harm, and may you live a very long, happy life.
Love,
Ginnie McCarthy
A - you say that you will never be the same, and while that may be true, I think you'll be even BETTER, STRONGER and AWESOMER (ha I know that's not a real word, but it definitely applies here!) than you were before! I continue to pray every day for your continued recovery and future health as you close this chapter...
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Judi
I enjoy reading your blogs and your thoughtful words. Maybe you can write about your life experiences with your new outlook on life. Your OSAAT approach is relevant to many aspects of life. I use that thinking in the workplace to manage insane workloads, and when balancing that with everything else that gets tossed in by life...hope you will continue to write!
ReplyDeleteI am so happy you are done and hope the rest of your healing goes quickly. I can't wait to see you guys when you come to NJ. We miss you and look forward to giving you a hug in person. XXOO Tara
ReplyDeleteCONGRATULATIONS, AMANDA!!! You have endured an 8+ month marathon of tests, surgery, chemo, fatigue, radiation, results, fears, nausea, inconvenience....etc. And you did it twice. Most of us cannot conceive of running this type of race. But you did it. You took each and every step - when you were weary and blistered and sick and fearful. You kept moving. You picked yourself up every day and took a few more steps. And you FINISHED. No, you will not be the same Amanda. You are bionic Amanda: stronger, faster, (maybe not so much bigger). You are fierce. You are wise. You have clarity. You know what matters. You have heightened compassion. You are grateful. You know yourself. And you know what? Your fears are no match for your resolve. YOU DID IT. And you are awesome. XO -CST
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