The beginning

Saturday, January 8 was the 4th anniversary of Anne's (Craig's sister) breast cancer diagnosis. The significance of that date inspired me to do my first breast self-exam in YEARS. And, I found a lump. I ignored it for the rest of the weekend, hoping it would go away but it was still there on Monday morning so I called my gynecologist and asked to be seen. She felt it too and gave me a prescription for a mammogram and ultrasound. I got an appointment for Friday, January 14 at 9am.

Over the next three days, I went back and forth between being convinced I was fine and it was nothing and convinced it was cancer. It was a long week and Craig was in London for part of it, which was a bummer.

I went to the appointment alone on Friday and first they did the mammogram. Two pictures on the left side (no lump felt) and about 10 were taken on the right side. After a short wait, I was taken in for the ultrasound. The technician spent a lot of time wanding my right breast and I definitely started getting more nervous. The technician left and brought the radiologist back who started wanding me. She told me there were "4 suspicious spots" and that I would need a biopsy. I immediately started crying and felt very alone. The doctor and technician were very nice and caring but my life totally changed in that instant. I met with a "Nurse Navigator" after that who got my biopsy scheduled for Monday at 9am and got me an appointment with a surgeon for 3pm that day. I got dressed and left the Breast Center.

I called Craig from the lobby and between sobs filled him in on what I had learned. Then I went to the grocery store - we needed milk for the kids. I came home (since it was a few hours before the appointment with the surgeon) and called my mom to fill her in. She, Craig and 2 friends from work were the only people who had known about the lump. Mom called Dad as I was too exhausted and shocked to call anyone else at that point. (Friday night we called Craig's sister and Dad. Craig's sister's reaction was "SHUT THE F* UP" - my thoughts exactly.)

Craig came home mid-afternoon and we drove to the surgeon appointment together. We met with the doctor and she looked at the films and felt me up. She felt the lump I felt and could feel one of the others. We talked for a while and she talked about how the lumps are "multi-centric" in that they are in multiple quadrants of my breast. As a result, she would recommend a mastectomy - a double because of my age (many years to live and prevent recurrence) and the fact that the results (after plastic surgery) will be more symmetrical. Since there was all this "cancer" talk, I finally asked her point blank, "Do you think I have cancer?" She replied yes without even hesitating. She thinks there will definitely be chemo after the surgery. The surgeon was really great - honest and blunt but caring. She told me breast cancer is a cancer that "behaves" and is very treatable. I'll be "tough as shit" when this is all over. I really liked her and found out today that a friend from work who had an elective double mastectomy because she has the BRCA genetic mutation, used this surgeon. I am glad she was honest with us, which forced us to start getting our head around the expected diagnosis.

On Saturday, we already had plans to head up to Massachusetts for the night for our nephew's birthday party. I debated for about a minute not going but then realized it would be fun for Raymond to see his cousins and a good diversion for Craig and me. Also, since Anne and Jeff basically went through the same thing 4 years ago, they are a great resource for us. We had a great time - talked and laughed (and cried a little).

Back to New Jersey on Sunday. Mom arrived midday which was great. I definitely needed a hug from Mom. The rest of the day was busy trying to organize the house and do laundry. I had a pretty rough evening from an emotional perspective - imagining the worst. I could barely look at the kids without crying but I locked myself in the bathroom for a good cry and then felt better, at least a little bit. I think part of it was apprehension about the upcoming biopsy.

This morning, I dropped the kids off at daycare as normal. They don't know anything and we'll keep it that way for a little while. Craig and I headed to the hospital for the biopsy. They were running late but Craig was able to come in and keep me company and try to calm me down. The Nurse Navigator who got me in and settled was really great - compassionate and caring. The biopsy itself took about 20 minutes. They took 4 samples from each of the 4 identified lumps. The numbing medicine works well so I did not feel much but now, 4 hours later, I am pretty sore. Now we wait for the results - hopefully we'll hear something tomorrow or Wednesday and we can start figuring out how we beat this thing!!!