Thursday, April 14, 2011
Three months ago today...
was pretty much the WORST day of my life. The next 2 weeks of uncertainty were pretty awful as well and I spent a lot of time thinking about my own mortality, something most of us can ignore in our daily lives. Cancer happens to "someone else." Since those first dark days, I have been extremely lucky. Every single piece of news since then has been good - the "good" type of breast cancer, no metastases, no lymph node involvement, clean margins, no radiation and no chemo. Along the way though, I lost my sense of invincibility and I faced my own mortality. That is something no 38-year-old woman should have to face. I also lost my breasts - a body part of which I was quite fond. Yes, they were a bit droopy but they provided nourishment for Raymond for 5 months and Emily for a year. They were not too big and not too small. I am left now with 2 mounds of flesh filled with tissue expanders with almost no feeling other than around the edges. I literally bump into things with them and don't really notice, until my brain picks up a feeling of pressure in my chest area. My hand brushes up against them and it takes my brain a minute to realize I am touching my own body part. It is really bizarre and upsetting to me. I might get some feeling back but it will never be the same. But that (and the scars) will be my daily reminder that I had cancer and I KICKED ITS A$$! :)
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this is so honest and so inspirational! i am ecstatic to hear the "no chemo" diagnosis. you approached this with such a proactive attitude (hence the title of your blog) and look where you are now. here's to you and LIFE!!
ReplyDeleteThat's right, Lady...and kicked some serious A$$ at that. I think what you are going through is all part of the process and you can't help but feel this way when your life is changed in such a drastic way! Judi
ReplyDeleteThis has been a HUGE thing in your life, and you've been so brave. It has been so great to hear the good news along the process. You did it!!
ReplyDeleteFor me - as your friend - this has been something that made me think about life, and how you should always remember to live your life NOW and be happy and thankful in so many ways. And remember to examine your breasts regularly...
You are amazing! :)
yes you DID kick it's ass! thank God for that! and the lack of feeling is something you'll eventually get used to as it does last quite a long time, unfortunately. My mastectomy was 2 years ago almost and I still bump into stuff and don't notice till that pressure sensation message occurs - it's a bummer but I'm used to it. once you have the regular implants it won't feel as crummy though especially since you won't have radiation which really complicates/prevents the ability to feel somewhat normal because of what radiation does to the tissue and skin and the implant(s). my right (unradiated) side feels fine...my left side is a whole different story. I'm so relieved and happy for you that you won't have to feel that way. That really is a huge victory :)
ReplyDeleteThe reminder of mortality is not so pleasant but I do find that there are days when I don't think about it as much and sometimes days I don't think about it at all but my lymphedema and yucky left side do remind me often and I try to remember that they're reminders I'm still here and that's the best outcome possible :). xoxo love you, friend!
You did kick it's ass and I don't know anyone who could have done it better! Love you and am so glad you did. You're a star and we love you!!!
ReplyDeleteI was SO SO THRILLED to hear that you don't need chemo and that you can start getting back to your "real life" soon. I wish you didn't have to go through any of this at all, but, given the circumstances, it seems like it all turned out as well as possible for you. Thank heavens for small miracles, and CONGRATULATIONS on kicking cancer to the curb!! You rock.
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