"How is she REALLY doing?"

I know Craig has gotten this question and I am sure others of you are thinking it so I will answer...    Right now, I am doing okay.   For the 2 or so weeks following January 14, when my surgeon answered "Yes" to the question, "Do you think I have cancer?" I alternated between being okay and being a complete mess.   

When you are first told you have cancer, your mind (or at least my mind) begins racing.    You imagine all of the possibilities of what will happen to you - surgery, treatments, pain, death, etc.    When you don't have all the facts or really any facts beyond "cancer" it is easy to get lost in all the really bad thoughts.   And I definitely did that.  I would watch Craig playing with the kids and would think, "what if I am not here in a year?"   I would have to leave the room because I did not want the kids to see me crying.    Those were really dark days and so many people who have gone through this before me have told me those first few weeks are the absolute worst part of the whole process.   At this point, I am starting to believe them.

After those first few weeks with so much uncertainty, we started getting more information - it is the "good" kind of breast cancer, it does not look like there are any metasteses, and the lymph nodes look good on an MRI.    There are a lot of proven treatments my doctors can turn to for my cancer and I likely will go on to live a very long life.   Yes, there is always the chance for recurrence at some point but I am comfortable that I will be doing everything I can in the next few years to significantly reduce that likelihood.

Honestly, I still cannot freaking believe I have cancer.   Denial is a great thing at times.  I mean, I "know: I have cancer and I am doing all the right things to deal with it but until the surgery on March 4, this won't seem totally real to me.   Kind of like being pregnant with your first kid - you don't really get it until your child is born.   (Accepting that reality, I believe, will have been a hell of a lot more fun than this one.)

So, I am okay.   We have at least the beginning of our plan and we are moving forward.    I like plans and lists and checking things off lists.   It helps me feel like I am accomplishing something to get rid of this evil thing in my body.

Tomorrow - appointments with the surgeon and an oncologist!